What Kind of Adult Child Are You?

A Quiz About Aging Parents and Sibling Roles

When parents get older, adult children rarely respond in exactly the same way.

One sibling notices every change.

One thinks everything is probably fine.

One knows something needs to happen but hopes someone else will handle it.

One says, “Just tell me what you need.”

And one can disappear from the family group text for three days and suddenly reappear with: “I ordered Mom something.”

Even when siblings are dealing with the same aging parent, they may see the situation and their own responsibilities very differently.

These family roles are not necessarily a reflection of how much someone loves their parent. They are often shaped by distance, personality, family history, available time and how much each person understands about what is changing.

So, what kind of adult child are you right now?

Not forever. Not as a judgment. Just at this particular point in your parent’s aging and your own life.

Take the quiz to discover the role you may be playing and, perhaps more importantly, how your siblings may experience you.

How to take the quiz

For each question, choose the answer that sounds most like what you would actually do, not what you think you should do.

Keep a simple tally of the symbol next to each answer. At the end, see which symbol you chose most often.

1. Your sibling texts the family: “Mom’s appointment didn’t go great today.” What are you most likely to do?

● Assume they’ll tell me if there’s something I really need to know.

◆ Think, “Hopefully it’s nothing. Mom has had things come up before.”

▲ Read it and think, “I know this may mean more needs to happen, but I really don’t want to get pulled into all of it.”

■ Reply, “Oh no. Keep me posted.”

★ I’m probably the sibling who sent the text in the first place.

○ I may not respond right away, but later I might research what was mentioned and send everyone a possible solution.

2. If I asked what medications your parent takes, you would probably say:

▲ I know I should probably know more, but I’m just not that involved.

★ I either know or know exactly where to find the current list.

● I honestly have no idea.

○ I don’t really know the medications, but I have bought something I thought might make managing them easier.

◆ I know a little, but I don’t think there’s anything particularly concerning.

■ My sibling knows all of that. I could ask if I needed to.

3. When something needs to be done for your parent, which sounds most familiar?

■ I’ll absolutely help if someone tells me what they need.

◆ I often wonder whether it really needs to be done yet.

○ I’m not involved in most of the routine stuff, but occasionally I’ll see something and take care of it on my own.

★ I’m usually the person who notices it needs to be done.

▲ I know there are things that need attention, but I tend to assume someone else will handle them.

● Usually I don’t know about it unless someone tells me.

4. Think about the family group text about your parent. Which sounds most like you?

○ I may be quiet for quite a while and then suddenly show up with an idea, purchase or plan.

■ I follow along and respond when someone asks me something directly.

● There’s a family group text?

★ I’m usually starting the texts, sharing updates or asking what everyone can handle.

◆ I read it, but sometimes I think everyone is worrying too much.

▲ I sometimes avoid opening it because I know it may mean another problem I’m expected to help with.

5. You notice your parent is having trouble with something they used to do easily. Your first reaction is closest to:

◆ Everyone slows down as they get older. I wouldn’t want to overreact.

▲ I know we probably need to deal with it, but one of my siblings will handle it.

★ I’d start paying attention to whether there are other changes and what might be needed.

● I’m probably not the person who would notice that first.

○ If I knew of something that might solve the problem, I might just get it for them.

■ I’d ask the person who sees them most often what they think and what would be helpful.

6. Which sentence sounds MOST like something you might say?

★ “I’ve already handled it.”

▲ “I know something needs to happen, but I’m hoping someone else can take the lead.”

● “Wait. When did all of this start?”

■ “Just tell me what you need me to do.”

○ “I already ordered one for Mom.”

◆ “I think we may be getting ahead of ourselves.”

7. Your sibling has been handling most of your parent’s appointments. Which response sounds most like you?

▲ I’m relieved someone else is handling them.

● I probably don’t know how often the appointments are happening.

★ I’m probably the sibling handling the appointments.

■ If my sibling asked me to take one, I would try to do it.

◆ Unless something major is wrong, I assume the appointments are pretty routine.

○ I may not ask how the appointments went, but if I hear about a particular problem, I may jump in with something I think could help.

8. Something new needs to be purchased or arranged for your parent. What happens?

○ If I find something that looks like it could solve the problem, there’s a decent chance I’ll buy it.

◆ I’d want to make sure we actually need it first.

■ Send me the link or tell me what to order and I’m happy to do it.

★ I’d look at the whole situation, talk with the people involved and figure out what actually fits.

● Someone else in the family would probably handle that.

▲ I’d rather someone else research the options and tell me what they decide.

9. How involved are you in the everyday details of your parent’s life?

■ I know the big picture, but someone else usually knows most of the details.

★ Sometimes I feel like I know all the details.

◆ I know what’s happening, but I don’t think every change necessarily means there’s a problem.

○ It varies. I can be pretty disconnected and then suddenly very involved in one particular issue.

▲ I know enough to realize more may be coming, but I’m not very involved in managing it.

● Not very. Aging really hasn’t become part of my day-to-day thinking yet.

10. Finish this sentence: As my parent gets older...

● I haven’t really thought about what my role might become.

★ I already feel responsible for keeping a lot of things moving.

▲ I know I may have to get more involved, but I’m hoping someone else takes the lead.

○ I’m not involved consistently, but when something gets my attention, I tend to act.

■ I want to help, but I tend to wait until someone tells me what would be useful.

◆ I’m trying not to turn normal aging into a bigger issue than it is.

So...what kind of adult child are you?

Mostly ●: The Blissfully Unaware Adult Child

“Wait...when did all of this start?”

You care about your parent. Their aging just hasn’t really entered your everyday thinking yet.

You may not know much about appointments, medications, new concerns or what another family member is already doing. If no one has specifically told you there is a problem, you probably assume things are moving along just fine.

How your siblings may experience you: They may feel like they are carrying information and responsibilities you don’t even realize exist.

Maybe it’s time to ask: “What has changed lately that I may not know about?”

Mostly ◆: The “It’s Probably Fine” Adult Child

“I think everyone may be overreacting a little.”

You see some of the changes. You’re just not convinced they necessarily mean there’s a problem.

Your instinct may be to give things time, avoid overreacting and assume some changes are simply part of getting older.

Sometimes you may be right.

But if another sibling sees your parent more often or is dealing with the same issue repeatedly, they may be seeing something you are not.

How your siblings may experience you: They may feel dismissed or feel like they have to convince you that what they are seeing is real.

Instead of asking, “Is this really a big deal?” you might ask:

“Is this new? Is it happening more often? Is it affecting everyday life?”

Mostly ▲: The Reluctant Adult Child

“I know something needs to happen. I’m just hoping someone else handles it.”

You know things are changing.

You may care deeply about your parent while also knowing you don’t particularly want to take on a larger role.

And when another sibling is already handling things, it can be very easy to let them continue.

How your siblings may experience you: They may feel that you understand what is happening but are leaving the responsibility with them.

You don’t have to take over. But taking ownership of one thing can make a bigger difference than you realize.

Mostly ■: The Concerned-from-the-Sidelines Adult Child

“Just tell me what you need.”

You care.

You’re willing to help.

And when someone asks, you are usually happy to step in.

But you tend to wait to be asked.

What you may not realize is that someone else is still responsible for noticing what needs to happen, deciding what should be done, figuring out who can do it and then asking you.

How your siblings may experience you: They may appreciate your willingness while wishing they didn’t always have to be the one assigning the work.

Sometimes the most helpful thing isn’t: “What can I do?”

It’s: “I’ll take care of this. You don’t need to manage it anymore.”

Mostly ★: The Default Adult Child

“I’m probably the one who sent the family text.”

Somehow, you became the person who knows everything.

Appointments. Medications. New concerns. Family updates. Logistics. Things that still need to happen.

You may not remember volunteering for this job. It just gradually became yours.

How your siblings may experience you: Because you know so much and handle things so efficiently, they may assume you’ve got everything covered and not realize how much you are carrying. They may also occasionally feel out of the loop because you have become so accustomed to simply handling things.

A useful question for you might be: “Which of these responsibilities actually has to be mine?”

Mostly ○: The Pop-In Problem Solver

“I already ordered one for Mom.”

You may not follow every day-to-day detail, but when something catches your attention, you’re ready to act.

You might research something, buy a product, make a call, suggest a service or show up with a solution.

Your intentions are usually good. But you may be solving one piece of a situation without knowing what has already been tried, what your parent wants or what the people managing the everyday details already know.

How your siblings may experience you: They may appreciate that you want to help while also thinking: “I really wish you had asked before you did that.”

Before jumping in, it may help to ask: “What have we already tried, and what would actually be useful?”

Why siblings respond differently when parents get older

There is rarely one simple reason siblings take on different roles as a parent ages.

One may live closer. Another may have more flexibility at work. One may recognize changes sooner, while another hears about them secondhand. Old family dynamics can also influence who takes charge, who waits to be asked and who avoids getting involved.

The goal does not have to be dividing every responsibility equally. Different siblings have different schedules, strengths, relationships and limitations.

The problem arises when expectations are never discussed, one person quietly becomes responsible for everything or family members do not recognize how their choices affect one another. Of course, most of us probably aren’t only one type. And these roles aren’t permanent. A hospitalization can change them. A diagnosis can change them. A move can change them. Simply living closer can change them.

But recognizing the role we’ve become can help us see something else: How our behavior affects the people around us.

Maybe you’re doing far more than your siblings realize.

Maybe you’re waiting to be asked when what your sibling really needs is for you to notice.

Maybe you’re jumping in with solutions without knowing the whole story.

Maybe you know help is needed but have been hoping someone else would take the lead.

Or maybe you simply haven’t realized yet that your parent is beginning to need more from the family.

None of that requires the label caregiver. It just requires us to pay attention.

So...which one are you?

Or perhaps the more interesting question:

Which one would your siblings say you are?

If you’re the one doing everything...

Recognizing the roles everyone has fallen into is a good first step. The next is having an honest conversation about what needs to be done, what each person can realistically handle and how to keep one person from carrying the entire load.

Why Am I Doing Everything? includes practical worksheets and conversation tools to help families divide responsibilities, set expectations and decide what needs to happen next.

Learn more about Why Am I Doing Everything? and our other Guides.